It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
