He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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