wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
