Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
