i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
