Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
