i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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