Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
