HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
