i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
