Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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