life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
