I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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