I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
