i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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