my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
