Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
