I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
