I didn't shave. On purpose
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
