You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
