dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
