you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
