yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
