Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
