Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
