The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
