Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
