I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
