i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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