I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
