guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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