so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
