have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
