he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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