Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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