I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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