So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
