I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
