My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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