The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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