I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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