ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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