So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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