Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
