I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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