Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
