She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
