can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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