Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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