everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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