my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
then he tried to convert me to islam
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
